An entirely fictitious birthday story. All events, quotations, organisations and sources below are invented.
Red is at the centre of an entirely fabricated accessory sensation after our fictional reporters uncovered “a suspicious amount of headband confidence”. The evidence: one excellent look and the unmistakable bearing of a man who knows exactly where the chorus kicks in.
According to Disco Informant Number Two, Red has been building an international headband empire from an imaginary headquarters behind the snack table. Its mission statement reads: “Keep the forehead ready. Keep the party going.” Its only product is available in one shade: visible from space.
The alleged business plan includes a luxury edition with built-in eyebrow support, a deluxe model that detects an approaching power ballad and a family pack approved by absolutely nobody. Our economics editor attempted to calculate the profits but became distracted by a very good bass line.
In a completely made-up interview, Red denied all commercial ambitions. “It’s not an empire,” he supposedly explained. “It’s a practical solution to being this cool.” His imaginary legal team then arrived wearing matching sweatbands and asked whether refreshments were included.
The investigation took a dramatic turn when a disco ball requested a partnership. Negotiations stalled over who would sparkle most. A nearby gold chain offered to mediate, but its demands for top billing were described as unreasonable.
We can exclusively reveal that there is no empire, no informant and no financial scandal. There is simply Red, an outstanding accessory and a birthday worth dressing up for. Readers should bring their own style and leave all imaginary business proposals at home.