An entirely fictitious birthday story. All events, quotations, organisations and sources below are invented.
Penny has thrown the calendar industry into turmoil by declaring that her sixtieth birthday will take place in the eighties. Officials from the entirely imaginary Department of Sensible Celebrations arrived with a clipboard, only to discover it had been covered in neon stickers and appointed head of the conga.
The alleged operation is breathtaking in its simplicity: gather family and friends, turn up the tunes and deploy enough fabulousness to make every clock run backwards. A fictional eyewitness claimed to have seen a digital watch display “WHAM!” instead of the time. Our technical correspondent says this is impossible, but admits it would be an improvement.
Investigators first became suspicious when Penny’s earrings were spotted receiving their own lighting cue. By lunchtime, three shoulder pads had requested backstage passes. By teatime, a birthday cake was insisting on a dressing room with a full-length mirror. None of these sources exists, but all were very cooperative.
In an entirely invented statement, Penny told this newspaper: “Sixty is just thirty with twice the reason to celebrate.” The newsroom immediately abandoned its investigation and began practising a synchronised entrance. Results were mixed. One reporter is still facing the wrong way.
An emergency meeting of the imaginary Birthday Standards Committee concluded that the only appropriate response was more dancing. Its report runs to sixty pages, fifty-nine of which simply say “Go on, one more song.” The final page is a sketch of a very ambitious hairstyle.
Our verdict: the birthday queen is gloriously guilty of being the reason for a brilliant get-together. The scandal is invented; the celebration is real. Check the Party Information page for the actual details and prepare to give Penny a proper birthday cheer.